self analysis

I've been trying all week to put my thoughts into words. I've been thinking a lot about friends, perceptions, misconceptions and the impact they have on my self esteem and my feelings. Since I can't seem to get these thoughts down as words - I'm going to try another route. I'm going to describe myself as I see me.

I'm shy. I don't want to be shy, but I am. Fortunately I'm not always shy - and once I really get to know someone I actually can become quite gregareous. Sometimes it takes me a while to get to know someone well enough to totally come out of my shell.

I don't drink much anymore. It's not that I don't want to. A couple of drinks would make it much easier for me to warm up enough to get over the shyness. But I never know when I'll feel fine the next morning after just a couple of drinks - or be sick as a dog for the entire next day. So usually when we go to parties I drink water. I wonder sometimes if this makes me look like a dud or a party pooper.

I'm not very good at small talk. I never know what to say. I don't want to be too nosey or pry into anyone's personal life. I wonder if this makes me seem uninterested in others.

Throughout my career, I have always had access to a lot of personal and confidential information. Because of this I've developed a "need to know" mentality - and I've become very good at completely blocking out and forgetting the confidential information once I no longer "need to know". I've also adapted this into a "want to know" mentality. I've been known to completely block out and forget tragic events that have happened to friends and family - simply because I don't want to remember them. Some of my friends rack this last one up to all of the brain cells I killed back when I used to drink a lot more. I wonder if others perceive this as me simply not caring enough to remember.

I'm a pleaser. I like it when people are happy and I especially like it when they are happy with me. I'm a Libra - truly always looking for balance and justice.

I've been married to my very best friend in the world for almost 19 years. We've been together for 23 years and I love him more than anyone could know. We've been through a lot together and without him I would not be the person I am today. He has encouraged me to think for myself, stand up for what I believe, be myself no matter what other people think of me and most importantly he has taught me how to enjoy life to it's absolute fullest. We are soulmates - and everything we do is for us. Not everyone understands him, and he is definately not politically correct. Those who don't try to get to know him are truly missing out - I think he is amazing. I don't always like what he does or says, but I love him for being himself and not worrying about what others think. I wish I could truly not worry what other people think. As much as it hurts me to think that people don't like me - it hurts worse when I think that people don't like him.

I need to work on not caring so much about what other people think. They will either like me or they won't. Correction - they will either like US or they won't. If they don't like one of us - they might as well not like either of us because we are a team and we are in this together - forever. If they don't that is their loss, and I need to not worry about that.