self analysis

I've been trying all week to put my thoughts into words. I've been thinking a lot about friends, perceptions, misconceptions and the impact they have on my self esteem and my feelings. Since I can't seem to get these thoughts down as words - I'm going to try another route. I'm going to describe myself as I see me.

I'm shy. I don't want to be shy, but I am. Fortunately I'm not always shy - and once I really get to know someone I actually can become quite gregareous. Sometimes it takes me a while to get to know someone well enough to totally come out of my shell.

I don't drink much anymore. It's not that I don't want to. A couple of drinks would make it much easier for me to warm up enough to get over the shyness. But I never know when I'll feel fine the next morning after just a couple of drinks - or be sick as a dog for the entire next day. So usually when we go to parties I drink water. I wonder sometimes if this makes me look like a dud or a party pooper.

I'm not very good at small talk. I never know what to say. I don't want to be too nosey or pry into anyone's personal life. I wonder if this makes me seem uninterested in others.

Throughout my career, I have always had access to a lot of personal and confidential information. Because of this I've developed a "need to know" mentality - and I've become very good at completely blocking out and forgetting the confidential information once I no longer "need to know". I've also adapted this into a "want to know" mentality. I've been known to completely block out and forget tragic events that have happened to friends and family - simply because I don't want to remember them. Some of my friends rack this last one up to all of the brain cells I killed back when I used to drink a lot more. I wonder if others perceive this as me simply not caring enough to remember.

I'm a pleaser. I like it when people are happy and I especially like it when they are happy with me. I'm a Libra - truly always looking for balance and justice.

I've been married to my very best friend in the world for almost 19 years. We've been together for 23 years and I love him more than anyone could know. We've been through a lot together and without him I would not be the person I am today. He has encouraged me to think for myself, stand up for what I believe, be myself no matter what other people think of me and most importantly he has taught me how to enjoy life to it's absolute fullest. We are soulmates - and everything we do is for us. Not everyone understands him, and he is definately not politically correct. Those who don't try to get to know him are truly missing out - I think he is amazing. I don't always like what he does or says, but I love him for being himself and not worrying about what others think. I wish I could truly not worry what other people think. As much as it hurts me to think that people don't like me - it hurts worse when I think that people don't like him.

I need to work on not caring so much about what other people think. They will either like me or they won't. Correction - they will either like US or they won't. If they don't like one of us - they might as well not like either of us because we are a team and we are in this together - forever. If they don't that is their loss, and I need to not worry about that.

Learn to Roll with it

Life is always going to throw you curves. The secret is to learn to roll with them and react in the best way you can. I'm not always pleased with the way I deal with some of the curves that life throws at me, but I am working on it. Lately I've even found that I get more upset by my reaction than by the event that caused it. From now on I'm going to try to approach each curve that life throws at me as a challenge to see how well I can roll with it!

Happy 4th of July

It's storming right now. One of those awesome summer t-storms that roll in on particularly hot days. It's still light outside though, so mother nature's show shouldn't disrupt ours later on. Of course, I am glad I'm not sitting at the Speedway right now. Seems like I spent at least one soggy 4th in the bleachers of the Speedway as a kid. Funny how I've not been to the Speedway since I became an adult, even though I live close enough to actually be able to hear it. But as a kid we were there on several 4th of Julys. Watching the demolition derby followed by one of the best firework shows in the valley!

I wonder what our soldiers in Iraq and other parts of the world are feeling today. I love my country, but I didn't volunteer to protect her. They did, and for that I admire and respect them. I also offer my deepest thanks, not only to them but also to their families. As someone very near and dear to me likes to quote, we are living in the most interesting of times. I hope our country stands behind her leader in fighting against those whose purpose in life is to destroy our way of life as we know it. I hope the masses realize exactly who our enemy is and what they desire before it is too late.

Now when I talk to myself, others can listen

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